August 1998

The Home #4

Making Marriage Successful
By the late Gardner S. Hall

In former articles we have disucssed the permanence of marriage. It seems logical to follow those articles with others on the above subject. Since there is but one Scriptural cause for separation and remarriage, it behooves every Christian to enter into the marriage relationship with an earnest determination to make it work. The only alternatives are a life of loneliness or the loss of one's soul. Remember, if you do not like a house, or a car, you can swap them off for another. But you cannot do that with a companion and please God. One's only hope is to make the marriage successful. Now some suggestions on how to do this.

1. Success depends very greatly on the kind of person you marry. So it is wise not to be hasty in the choice of a companion. Familiarity reveals traits not seen in a casual acquaintance. An old adage says, "Familiarity breeds contempt." This is not always true. Sometimes it does, and should. A close acquaintance between two strong characters will breed appreciation.

2. Seek advice from Christian parents. Elopement may seem very romantic, but it seldom works. A couple I knew when I was young married secretly. They had both been reared in Christian homes and had been taught the sanctity of marriage. Both were as faithful to the Lord as any in the community. They had a successful marriage. But they made the mistake of boasting of their secret marriage before their children. So the first thing they knew Magdalene (we will call her) eloped. But not with a Christian boy. She married a boy who had no religious training, had no respect for God, the Bible or anything else decent. She lived in misery with him two or three years and then they were divorced. She then yielded to the seduction of another man and bore a child out of wedlock. She repented of that sin, was restored, and for many years has been a fine Christian woman, but living a lonely single life.

Aquila and Priscilla (we will call them) eloped. The boy had been reared in a fine Christian home and was a good man. The girl was not reared to be a Christian. She was later baptized and we were all encouraged. But she was never zealous in the Lord's work and her influence was such that her husband became lukewarm and finally stopped attending. Then, after ten or twelve years of married life, she fell in love with another man and left her husband for him. I have in mind a few more cases and all turned out with sad results and bitter regrets.

These young people thought they were really "putting one over" on their parents. They thought they would "show them a thing or two." In every case the parents were greatly disturbed and grieved. They had their misgivings, but tried to make the best of it. The Christian party in each of these marriages learned a sad lesson when it was too late.

3. Be sure to observe how the one who wants you treats members of his or her family. That young man: Is he kind to his parents, brothers and sisters, considerate and unselfish with them? Or selfish, critical, abusive, deceitful? Marry him, and when the new wears off you will receive the same kind of treatment. That young woman: Is she contemptuous toward other members of the family? If so, that is the kind of attitude she is building into her character. Marry her, and you will be the victim of the same disposition. Do not marry one like that if you do not like such. You cannot depend on promises. An infatuated boy or girl will be very generous with promises, they are cheap, you know. You must decide or judge by character traits you see, preferably after a long acquaintance. Watch for them. Be careful not to become so infatuated that you are blind to very obvious and serious faults.

4. Do not marry a man to reform him. If you do not want to live with a drinking man, do not marry one. If you do not want the influence of a cursing, swearing, lying man in your home, do not marry one who does these; do not, regardless of what he may promise. Do not date a man another time if you find him to be this kind. If you continue with him till you fall in love, you may lose your head and ability to see straight. If you learn that a man or woman has an immoral past, break off right there. I begged a very close friend not to marry a very suave, appealing man, (he had a bad record). She said I did not understand. They were married. She has spent forty-six miserable years trying to reform him but it will take a little longer yet.

5. Enter into marriage with the Bible conviction concerning the binding nature of the contract. Beware of entering into the relationship with the careless thought that if you are not exactly pleased you will get a divorce and marry another. If you have that attitude, faults of the other will be observed more readily and easily magnified. Enter it with the prayer that you may be able to give and take -- determined to be unselfish, mature, to try hard to adjust, to be forbearing, to bear with faults for you certainly will find them. You may feel at the marriage altar that you are getting the perfect mate. Even if you get a good one, he or she will have faults; and if you cannot exercise forbearance, you will make your marriage an unhappy experience.

THE KIND OF WIFE TO SEEK

1. Avoid the mistake of simply falling for a pretty face and form and forgetting everything else. I know some fine women whose beauty of face strikes one immediately. I know some who do not seem to be beautiful at first sight, but seem very beautiful upon further acquaintance. The beauty of their character makes them attractive in appearance. "Beauty is as beauty does," is a wise old adage. There are some who appear beautiful at first sight but their manner makes them ugly when they are better known. The sight of them is repugnant when we observe their selfishness, vanity, haughtiness, pride and laziness.

2. Therefore seek a beautiful character. Such a character is described in I Peter 3:1-4. The meek and quiet spirit is of great price in the sight of God. Dorcas never heard of Merle Norman beauty products or Max Factor. I doubt it she had a "drug store complexion" or up-to-date hair styling. But in God's sight she was beautiful. Because she was full of good works and almsdeeds which she did. And that adorns a woman as God beholds beauty (I Timothy 2:9,10). When a man marries a woman like Dorcas he marries a fortune.

3. Seek a wife who is willing to bear children and be a keeper at home. Mothers should teach their daughters to "be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, obedient to their own husbands." (Titus 2:4,5). Of course, any older woman may teach these things. Paul said younger women should marry, bear children and guide the house. (I Timothy 5:14). If you happen to date a "Women's libber" get home as soon as you can and if you are tempted to date her again you had better move to another State. No Ms. So-and-So can be recommended.

4. If you want to be a faithful Christian ask yourself: Will this woman help me be a Christian, and help me to have a Christian home? Or will we have a divided home, one that will confuse our children and hinder them from being brought up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord? If you are a mature Christian you will not overlook these important considerations.

5. Samson did not think enough nor ask himself enough important questions before his choice of a wife. His father cautioned him about marrying a Philistine woman instead of a woman of Israel. But he said she pleased him and seemed to give no consideration to her character. The Philistine woman ruined his life.

6. A young preacher we used to know and admire did not ask himself enough questions before marrying. He saw a woman he had never met, in fact, one he had never seen before. He liked her looks and remarked, "There goes my future wife." She was a Roman Catholic. She did become his wife and was later baptized. We all rejoiced that he converted his wife. But now we are not so sure but that she made him over. He left the church and for a time was with the Unitarians.

THE KIND OF HUSBAND TO SEEK

In my judgment, more depends on the kind of character involved in a marriage than on anything else. We discussed the kind of wife a young man should seek. Now let us consider, "What kind of husband should a Christian girl seek?"

Her concerns should not be to marry a handsome man. Some of the finest men I know are handsome, on the other hand, some of the finest, most dependable are not handsome. And, of course we all know very handsome men who are wicked. You should take the counsel God gave to Samuel as he sought a king for Israel. "But Jehovah said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, nor on the height of his statue; because I have rejected him; for Jehovah seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but Jehovah looketh on the heart." Israel's first king was tall and handsome, but he was unstable and God took the kingdom from him. "Now in all Israel there was none to be so much praised as Absalom for his beauty: from the sole of his foot even to the crown of his head there was no blemish in him." (2 Sam 14:25) But he did much that was evil and would not have made a good husband.

Her chief interest should not be wealth. There are good men who are wealthy, no doubt. But certainly a young woman should look for other qualities. Also, she should beware of letting good looks and wealth blind her to undesirable traits of character. if a man is known to have a bad character you will make a big mistake if you give him even a date. There are men who have magnetic personalities but vicious characters. Their charm makes them dangerous persons; so even one date could be tragic. But if any man, whatever his status in life, suggests that you commit fornication to prove your love, or to see if you are compatible, or for any reason, that is all you need to know. You need not make any inquiries of others. The same is true if he suggests a drink, or a visit to an X-rated movie or to a dance. All you need is the wisdom to refuse another date.

You should not accept a man merely because he is famous. Most girls feel so fortunate to get the handsome and popular athlete - the one all the girls swoon over and try so hard to get. "And just to think: his choice among them all was little ole me!" The girl he chooses feels so honored, so flattered. But if he is deficient in character, you will wish one of the others had gotten him. It is said that two teardrops floated down a stream. One said, "I am from the eye of a girl who failed to get the most popular boy in town." The other said, "I am from the eye of the girl who got him."

Do not accept a man merely because he has been baptized. Some girls have made that a condition of marriage. I have known men to be baptized to get the girl; but after the marriage most of them have lived ungodly lives. I certainly do not recommend that you marry one who has not been baptized. But the fact that a man has been dipped is not enough. We can baptize a wolf but that does not change his nature.

It seems trite to say: Look for character. Look for man who is a Christian and respects God and His word. Seek one who has a reputation of honesty, morality, stability. He may be poor, he may attract little attention among the giddy idol worhsippers. But if you and he both have a Bible view of marriage and its sacredness; if you both live according to its teaching, your marriage will work.

Be sure to meditate on the following questions: Will this man help me to live a faithful Christian life? Or will he be a weight around my neck? Will he be a help in rearing a Christian family and having a happy Christian home? Or will his influence be worldly, and will his counsel conflict with mine as I try to uphold and emphasize the spiritual things? You have not thought along this line? If not you need to grow spiritually before you are ready to make a home. The Christian life does not mean what it should to you!

I have seen so many Christians weaken spiritually after marriage. I have also observed some who become stronger. Marriage provided a blessing to them. How will it be with you? Do not think you are strong enough to stand fast, regardless of your marriage partner. Your companion in marriage will be the strongest single influence and challenge as you try to travel the strait way. It could be the greatest factor in the matter of where you and your precious children will spend eternity. This is somethng you must not take lightly!

[EDITOR’S NOTE: I highly commend the article above from the pen of the late Gardner S. Hall. This article appeared in THE BULLETIN of the West Madison Street church of Christ . Please read it in light of the scriptures cited and follow God’s teaching on this vital subject! Lord willing, there will be more articles written by this writer in issues to come!]

Email the Editor at markjward@yahoo.com